It's been nice

It's been a nice month off. I phoned work today to let them know that I'm no longer on Prednisone and that I'm experiencing no headaches. I just got a phone call from the front office to tell me that I've got my medical back and I can return to work. Actually, I'm ready to go back. It's been nice sleeping in every morning until the pups lick me awake but it will also be nice to get back to my routine. I do like my job and I'm very blessed to have it although there have been some recent changes at work which will take some getting used to. No more reading material on the midnight shifts to keep you awake when traffic is light. Business casual dress even though we have no contact with the public. Salary capped for the foreseeable future. I'm still okay as I really can't complain. Sure, I'd like to see the steady raises we've enjoyed year after year continue but they pay me quite a bit to do what I do. As I'm typing this I got a call from my boss at work to tell me he was looking forward to seeing me on Sunday and did I know about the new dress code. Yep...I know all about it...see you then.

My mother doesn't care if she ever talks with me again. That's the latest I'm hearing that she said about me. Hmmm. It shouldn't be this difficult to do the right thing but apparently it is. My relationship with my mom is forever tarnished and I'd venture to say that it is over between my older sister, Claudia, and I. I'm very much okay with that as she has been a continual source of stress in our family for the longest time. I have a hunch my older brother Bryan falls into the tarnished category although it could be years before either of us resurrects anything between us. We've all got a bit of stubborn Irish blood in us and it will no doubt come into play now. I stood up for my cousin when she was verbally assaulted by Claudia and for that I suffer my family's wrath. How small of them. I have the hardest time understanding where they get off thinking this is a right thing to do. I suppose so long as I try and make sense of it I will be frustrated because there is no making sense of any of it. Oh, and on top off all of this I hear today that the only reason Tammy is agreeing with me is because I'm her bread and butter and she will say nothing which would go against me. What an insult to Tammy. The only question I have is did my mother come up with that on her own or did Claudia help her out?

It's just tissue

I wrote a letter to the editorial pages of the StarTribune a few months ago which was critical of our nation's approach to abortion. It didn't make the paper but it did get printed in the online edition where someone from Human Life Alliance found it and responded to me. Since then I've been receiving their mailings. I was looking through their latest newsletter and came across this...

It's Just Tissue

Consider the following facts: Simple tissue does not have a beating heart, brain waves, fingerprints, and unique DNA. A woman can carry a baby with a different gender or blood type from her own. After the moment of fertilization, nothing new is added to the baby except oxygen, nutrition and time. The only differences between a newborn and a preborn baby are size, level of development, environment, and degree of dependency. All of these facts confirm the reality that you are a person worthy of protection from the moment of fertilization.

I'm reading on a little further in the newsletter and I find this...

"I'm personally opposed, but I can't tell others what to do"

What if U.S. citizens had been willing to accept this justification for tolerating slavery? Our forefathers took away the "rights" of slave owners in order to give freedom and respect to African American people. Our youngest and most vulnerable are still slaves to the life and death decisions of others.

Now I remember what the opinion piece was that I wrote...I was talking about slavery and how it was a person's right to choose whether or not they would be a slave owner. The slaves after all were 2nd class citizens not worthy of the protections afforded you and me just as an unborn child is not worthy of those same protections. I was drawing comparisons between slave owners then and pro-choice people today and hoping that someday as a nation we will be able to look back on these days and realize the error of our ways the way we realize the error of our ways those many years ago with respect to slavery.

Returning to normal

My cluster headache cycle has pretty much run its course. I go through a headache cycle about once every 15 months and it used to be that they pretty much owned me. The last two cycles have been different though and I'm encouraged by my new approach to them...that being heavy doses of Prednisone. If you've ever had a Mr. Misty or an ice cream headache you have a good idea what a cluster headache is. It's a sharp pain behind one eye which causes you to cease functioning until the pain goes away. In the case of an ice cream headache that pain usually only lasts a few moments. In the case of a cluster headache the pain can last for hours. These are worse than migraines. They're called cluster headaches because they come in clusters and then they're gone until the next cycle begins. It used to be that during a cycle I'd get one or two headaches a day. I pretty much just suffered through them without using any meds for years. Prednisone has been around forever so I'm not sure why I wasn't treated with it as a prophylactic but I wasn't. I started using Imitrex about 8 years ago and that was a God send. It still is for the breakthrough headaches which get past the Prednisone.

The FAA won't allow me to work traffic while I'm in the cycle and on the meds. This time around they've allowed me to use my accrued sick time to stay out of work until I'm off the meds and I get my medical back. It's been nice. I've been getting in huge amounts of riding and taking care of stuff around the house. My motivation does suffer some though and there are days when I really have to push myself to get moving. Once I'm on my bike I'm usually fine...it's just getting there which is the hard part. Each of the last two weeks I've averaged over 400 miles. This week won't be so good as I'll be rained out today and tomorrow. I hope to get out Sunday for a long ride.

I was out on my bike yesterday and I got a phone call from Tammy. She told me that my supervisor at work called to see how I was doing. I phoned him back while cruising south on Cedar Ave to tell him that I was doing well...hey, I'm on sick leave and I'm riding...how good is that? I told him I should be back around the end of the month and he was fine with that.

Tammy's been working lots of hours so I'm trying to lighten her load around home. I spent 4 hours cleaning the house today so she wouldn't have to do it. We'd planned to do it together tomorrow but I wanted to surprise her and have it done so she can have some free time to do with whatever she wants. I got lots of thank-you's for it when she got home so yeah, it was worth it.

Family Shmamily

I've had a pretty serious falling out with a few members of my family...siblings. Back in August we had a family reunion in the upper peninsula of Michigan and that was when the problems began.

I have two older sisters who were molested by an uncle some 35-40 years ago. The uncle was always a favorite of ours until the truth about him was made known. Even after it was learned what he had done my parents maintained a relationship with him. Had it been my daughter who was molested I don't think I would've been so kind. This uncle of mine also molested my cousin, his adopted daughter, all of her youth. I can't imagine what she had to endure. Deborah now lives by herself in D.C. and to her credit was able to forgive her father and move forward in her life rather than living in bitter resentment for a past which cannot be changed. My oldest sister, Claudia, on the other hand has made it clear that all of her shortcomings are a result of the molestation by our uncle. Claudia was fired from her job a dozen years ago and that's the first we heard that our uncle was the reason for her problems. Prior to that there was never any mention of this uncle. He became a convenient dumping ground for any difficulties Claudia was having. I have another sister, Jackie, who was similarly molested by him but who downplays the molestation. She firmly believes that Claudia is using him as a copout for areas in her life where she's come up short. It's difficult because I don't want to appear to be unsympathetic to my sister and how the abuse has affected her but I honestly believe as my sister Jackie does that it's not all about this uncle as Claudia would want us to believe.

For the longest time Claudia has had a hate and disdain for Deborah. I'm not sure why but it's there. I host a family forum on my website for family and relatives. Claudia has used the forum on several occasions to remind Deborah that her father was a pedophile for no reason other than to humiliate Deborah. It's extremely mean spirited on Claudia's part but there seems to be nothing I nor anyone else can do to stop her short of banning her from the forum.

Back to the reunion. My mom was beside herself the morning we left because Jackie didn't take a photo of her and Claudia the day before when Mom was expecting her to...very petty. She said that she'd been up all night and it certainly looked that way to me. Claudia had gastric bypass surgery last year and she's lost a lot of weight. Along with the weight loss comes lots of wrinkles and to be honest, she looks 20 years older. It's actually shocking to see her now. Yes, she's lost weight and that's a good thing because she wasn't going to be around much longer without a change. In the past she's always told me that she doesn't want me to take her photo...so I don't. Nobody told me but apparently she doesn't feel that way anymore and she's now okay with us taking her photo. I never got the word and came away from the reunion with no current photos of her to show her weight loss. This would later prove to be a huge bone of contention but how was I or anybody else to know?

Tammy, Rachel and I had already left for home when it went from bad to worse at the direction of Claudia. Let me set the stage...Mom is upset with Jackie for not having taken her photo and she's spitting tacks. Claudia is doing absolutely nothing to smooth the situation by telling Mom that it's no big deal. No doubt she's encouraging her outrage...this is what she does. Deborah is trying her best to keep things friendly not realizing that she's about to be ambushed by Claudia in an exchange which would cause me to lose any remaining respect I had for Claudia. Claudia confronted Deborah in front of everybody and bashed her for having a pedophile father. She claims that Deborah provoked the attack because of an earlier email where Deborah stated that she no longer wanted anything to do with Claudia. It sounded reasonable to me...the email part. It got very nasty by all accounts. Claudia is a mean, hate filled person and she was in full combat mode when she confronted Deborah. Why Deborah? What has Deborah ever done to incur Claudia's wrath. You would think that if anybody on this earth would have compassion toward Deborah it would be Claudia but there is absolutely none there. That leads me to believe that this isn't really about molestation at all...it never has been.

This all happened the first week in August. I made it clear right away that I wasn't happy with what my sister Claudia did and that I felt bad for Deborah. For standing up for Deborah I've been ostracized by my mother, Claudia and my older brother, Bryan. They feel that I should stand in support of Claudia. I can't do that as she was so wrong. Anyway, a few weeks had gone by with no contact with the ostracizing siblings and my mother until I posted the message previous to this one in the blog on my family forum. The last paragraph set them off because I made mention of what was continuing as a result of the fall-out up north. My mother proceeded to write me a lengthy letter where she detailed for me what happened up north and how she felt that what Claudia did was a good thing because it made her feel better. Huh? I wrote her a letter in return and brought it over to her house to hand deliver it to her. We had a heated exchange which ended with her slamming the door in my face. I was on my bike and pedaled away in total dismay at what had just happened. I phoned her back a few blocks away and asked her to please read my letter a couple times with hopes that she would actually get something from it. She proceeded to tell me how Deborah enjoyed the abuse from her father. It almost sounded as though she was enjoying telling me that. It was very sick to hear and I really couldn't believe what she was saying to me. I was disgusted...and mad! Here's the letter I wrote her...

Mom, It comes through very clearly that you don’t at all care for Deborah. It’s been apparent for years the way you speak so ill of her.

I note of interest in your letter to me all the times you pointed out where you felt Deborah lied…the time she walked by Claudia while walking a dog and said ‘hello’ but later stated that she referred to her by name. Was that really a lie? She at least said hello. You said she attempted to make conversation with Claudia at the dinner table but Claudia wasn’t conversing aside from some curt answers. A case could be made by Deborah that Claudia did not engage her in conversation. At least Deborah tried. Is it really necessary to say that Deborah lied? Does it really matter?

I recall the email which Deborah wrote to Claudia a while back. The email which you said was so nasty. It wasn’t a nasty email, Mom. It was an email written from the experience of a person who has been bullied by Claudia one too many times. It was an email written by a person who wasn’t going to allow herself to be put in that position again. I suppose if you’re Claudia and you’re being rebuffed by Deborah it may seem nasty but if you’ve had your nose rubbed in the dirt about your father’s past time and time again and you’re wishing to protect yourself from future occurrences it is an appropriate email to respond with. She didn’t mince words and told Claudia the way she felt. I recall having separate conversations with both Claudia and Deborah at the time those emails were exchanged. I advised Claudia then that there was no way she was going to be able to force a relationship with Deborah and that if one was to develop again it would take time. I recall Deborah expressing to me that she was not interested in pursuing a friendship with Claudia because of past experiences and fear that it would only be a matter of time before the attacks would again happen.

Mom, I don’t run to you with problems between siblings; unlike Claudia. If I have a problem with a family member I tend to work it out without you being involved. I didn’t make a habit of running to you with this but there were many times on the forum where Claudia ridiculed Deborah and caused her embarrassment. She has a history of that. Ask Jackie. I don’t lie. For that matter, ask Claudia. If she is honest she will acknowledge that what I say is true. Claudia would do her thing…create havoc and drama then leave for a while. She would return again only to do it all over again and leave. You see, I’ve been down this road with her before and I’ve simply had enough. I had to eventually install word filters on the forum to make it more difficult for Claudia to bring up abuse and pedophilia at Deborah’s expense. It didn’t stop her though…ask her how she got around the filters.

The events you describe in your letter referencing Deborah and her actions at the reunion seem very petty to me. By your own interpretation I get the impression that Deborah was going out of her way to try and be friends with Claudia. Deborah was the one walking the dog who offered the greeting. Deborah was the one who sat across from Claudia at dinner and tried to make conversation. Deborah was the one who chose to sit near Claudia in the screen porch quite possibly to again try and make conversation…I don’t know. What am I missing here? Is it because of the ‘nasty’ email which Deborah wrote to Claudia? Again, I think the email at the time was an appropriate response from Deborah given the treatment she had received from Claudia in the past. It would appear to me that Deborah was trying for the sake of getting along at the reunion to put that behind her and Claudia and not create any additional tension. I don’t see it as anything other than that. It does appear that Claudia was waiting to pounce on Deborah and attack as she does. You see, that is why Deborah was reluctant to have anything to do with Claudia in the first place. Don’t you see this? If there is anybody in this family who should be compassionate of Deborah and what she had to endure as a child it would Jackie and Claudia. I see compassion from Jackie but not from Claudia. Do you ever wonder why?

This isn’t a matter of Deborah winning my heart over. I felt that Claudia’s comments were beyond civil and totally uncalled for. Again Mom, see this from the perspective of somebody who has witnessed this before and knows that it is only a matter of time before it happens again. You say that Claudia got it out of her system…yeah, right. This is the position I find myself in. To not stand up to her bullying behavior is not the right thing to do. To encourage it and support it as you have done is disgusting and I find myself very saddened that you have taken this position. How would you feel if somebody made a point of ridiculing you for no reason about Dad’s drinking and humiliating you in front of friends by called him a good for nothing f@#king drunk? You would be left in tears as would anybody who had an ounce of compassion for you. It would be a horrible thing to witness. What Claudia did to Deborah was no better. There was absolutely nothing Deborah could have said which would give Claudia reason for saying what she said. Claudia must apologize for me to move beyond this but I don’t expect that it will happen. It’s that simple for me.

There are many dynamics at work within our family which you may be unaware of. We all have our own way of interacting with one another or choosing to keep our distance. The dynamics have certainly changed quite a bit for me. It’s not right for you to position yourself between us when you aren’t aware of what has been happening. It’s obvious that you, Bryan, Claudia and perhaps Tim all share the same disdain for me. Were you aware that Tim and I don’t speak to each other? It’s a choice he’s made, Mom. I don’t question it. I recall how you were so insistent on me giving him a copy of the home video DVD a few months ago. Did you know that he never even called, much less emailed me to thank me for that? I told you then that if he’d wanted one he had the opportunity to speak up and he didn’t. I’d rather you not put me in a position to have to do something for someone again when I know it’s not appreciated. Tammy, Rachel and I saw him out at the fair last month and he thanked me then…whatever. You see, I don’t tell you this stuff because it would probably only upset you to know it but since you’re all talking about how bad I am I’ll continue. Did Bryan tell you about the nice GPS watch I sent him a few months ago with hopes of motivating him to get out and rehabilitate himself? I’m not all bad as they would want you to believe. But, for reasons of doing the right thing I’m being ostracized by you and others in the family. That’s your choice to make and if it makes you happy please continue doing as you are. I’ve got Tammy and Rachel and they both love and support me in ways I’ve never known.

Bryan and I exchanged emails a few weeks back and it became obvious to me that there was a concerted effort to speak ill of me. He said this…”Mom has come to realize the element of superiority you think you have judging others that don’t fit your ideals. Yes the crap has indeed hit the fan and the truth is finally starting to come out.” Maybe you can expand on that ‘truth’ for me? What is it you said to them? Bryan has so much dislike for me lately and I have to wonder why. I’ve been nothing but supportive of him in all he’s been trying to do. I’ve helped and encouraged him to build his web pages and offered advice where I thought I could be of help. I seriously doubt you would know that by speaking with him.

In your letter to me you asked if I remembered the 5th Commandment. What are you trying to say? That I should respect whatever it is you say no matter how wrong I feel you are? Sorry…that commandment was never intended to be used in that way and you know that.

I hope that you’re able to read this letter another time and understand that I’m not out to destroy Claudia. I’m about standing up and being accountable for doing the right thing. Deborah has been through the most difficult of childhoods and it has no doubt left its mark on her. She can be needy at times and I’m sure she would probably admit to that. She can at times get on a person’s nerves too I suppose as you have experienced. I don’t see where ganging up on her in the way which was done up north was a right thing to do. Do you? She didn’t deserve that but she does deserve an apology.

Love, Kevin

I asked her what she thought of the letter and she said, "not much". A few emails were exchanged amongst some of us siblings on the forum but absent in any of the exchanges was Claudia. She's got my mother where she wants her so for her to say anything and risk changing that would be dumb I suppose. My mother is 78 years old and she simply doesn't need this sort of drama and turmoil in her world. Claudia is very much a manipulative person and she's certainly done a masterful job of cozying my mother to her side. To hear my mother say that Deborah enjoyed being raped by her father is very disturbing. How did she get to that place? I have no doubt in my mind that Claudia led her there.

Tammy and I have been talking about what to do next and it became apparent that we needed to try and make things right with my mom. We needed to try and smooth things over for her so we could all move on. We first prayed about then I picked up the phone and called her. She answered and sounded a bit down as I expected she would. We had some small talk then I told her that I'd like to apologize for becoming upset with her the other day. I stessed that I was not apologizing for my position toward Claudia and that we would have to agree to disagree. She was still trying to engage me and being a bit confrontational but I just told her I loved her and that I wasn't going to argue about it anymore. There really was no other way to go about this. I could have not phoned her and we'd still be in this place for who knows how long. It was important for me that she be able to get her life back together and I felt she needed that from me.

I've seen a side of my mother I never knew existed and that's unfortunate. I don't know that I'll ever see her the way I used to.

Tammy brought home the new Jars of Clay cd this week. There are some real gems on it. This song seems appropriate for me this past week. It's called Oh My God and is somewhat of a lament of a man's cry out to God in a fallen world. Don't quit too soon on the song as it's got a powerful ending. Here's the song...

Oh My God

Oh my God, look around this place
Fingers reach around the bone
You set the break and set the tone
Flights of grace and future falls In present pain
All fools say, "Oh my God"

Oh my God, why are we so afraid?
We make it worse when we don't bleed
There is no cure for our disease
Turn a phrase and rise again
Or fake your death and only tell your closest friends
Oh my God

Oh my God, can I complain?
You take away my firm belief
And graft my soul upon your grief
Weddings, boats and alibis
All drift away and a mother cries

Liars and fools, sons and failures
Thieves will always say
Lost and found, ailing wanderers
Healers always say
Whores and angels, men with problems
Leavers always say
Broken-hearted, separated
Orphans always say
War creators, racial haters
Preachers always say
Distant fathers, fallen warriors
Givers always say
Pilgrim saints, lonely widows

Users always say
Fearful mothers, watchful doubters
Saviors always say

Sometimes I cannot forgive
And these days mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be
Maybe I could get some sleep
While I lay, I dream we're better
Scales were gone and faces lighter
When we wake, we hate our brother
We still move to hurt each other
Sometimes I can close my eyes
And all the fear that keeps me silent
Falls below my heavy breathing
What makes me so badly bent?
We all have a chance to murder
We all feel the need for wonder
We still want to be reminded
That the pain is worth the thunder

Sometimes when I lose my grip
I wonder what to make of Heaven
All the times I thought to reach up
All the times I had to give
Babies underneath their beds
Hospitals that cannot treat
All the wounds that money causes
All the comforts of cathedrals
All the cries of thirsty children
This is our inheritance
All the rage of watching mothers
This is our greatest offense

Oh my God
Oh my God
Oh my God

Some Random Thoughts

I was struggling with some fit issues on my bike earlier in the year and tried a bunch of different fixes but none of them were getting me the position I needed, or if they did it was at the expense of the handling of my bike. I worked with Scott Flanders at Flanders Brothers in Minneapolis and together we put together a new bike package for me. My new bike has a compact frame design (sloping top tube) which will more easily allow me to get the bars in a little higher position and remedy the fit problems I've been having with my other bike. We placed the order to Serotta in May and began the wait for the frame to be produced. Serotta has a demand for roughly 16 frames per day but is limited to a production capacity of 12.

I got a call from Scott on August 8th telling me that my bike would be ready later in the day or the next. I was actually just a bit nervous about my new ride...worrying that all the money spent wouldn't solve my problems. Scott had assured me when we did the sizing that I would definitely notice a difference and he was confident that it would work out well. It's been one month now and nearly 1400 miles and without question I can say that my new bike is all I could have hoped for it to be. Within the first 2 miles of riding it I could feel the obvious difference in the rear end with the carbon fiber seat stays and their ability to absorb shock. My position on the bike had also changed but I'd have to wait just a bit longer to confirm that it was what I needed. I can now say with all certainty that it is a change for the better. I'm riding faster and more comfortably than I have in a long time. Now the question becomes, what to do with my other bike? I thought I'd put it up on Ebay but I've rethought that and decided that I'll use it for my winter ride or for those times when I've got my new bike in the shop. It's been a great bike and I would never be able to get for it what it's worth to me.

I had several good rides this week but the one which stands out was a ride I took Thursday to Waterville...southwest of Fairbault. I was on the road by 8:20am and pedaling under a beautiful sun filled sky with some tunes to keep me company. The only issue was a minor saddle sore but I won't elaborate on that. I don't usually ride bike paths but there is one which I occasionally pick up in Fairbault and ride to Waterville...about 15 miles worth of path. It's nice because there's little to no other traffic on it and when the wind is coming from the southwest it helps protect you from it. I got to Waterville at 11:00 and made a quick stop to refuel. I clipped back in and headed north on highway 13 toward Montgomery and New Prague. It was at this time that I had this moment of clarity which said...this is why I ride. A light tail wind with a beautifully paved shoulder and very little traffic...corn fields and the occasional farm house..not too hot or too cool...just right. And best of all, I was feeling comfortable on my bike. I brought it home with an average speed of 20.1 over 106 miles which for this 49 year old is good. I came real close to making this a 500 mile week on my bike but I've been rained (or drizzled) out today. That's okay.

Tammy and Rachel had the weekend from hell last weekend as so much went wrong with their trip up north to get her folks and take them to a relative's wedding in Park Rapids. Just as they arrived at their hotel on Friday afternoon Tammy's mother tripped on a curb and fell and broke her hip. Tammy phoned 911 and got her transported to the hospital where they scheduled surgery for the next morning. The surgery went well and Tammy and Rachel headed out Sunday morning with Tammy's father to take him back home to Babbitt and then head for home. It would be an all day drive for them getting home just after 10:00pm. Tammy would go back up there last Thursday after work to bring her mom to back toward home to a temporary care unit in Virgina, Mn. The transfer went well and she got back home last night ready to put her feet up and try and recoup after a busy week of work and driving.

We're all just hanging out today. Rachel is working on her homecoming pants and making brownies and Tammy and I are going to clean the house together. We've got Trains, Planes and Automobiles on the queue for tonight.

I’m being ostracized from many in my family for defending my cousin, Deborah, from a verbal assault she endured from my sister, Claudia, at the family reunion. I’ll never understand it. Is it wrong for me to stand up for someone when mob mentality takes over and people collectively lose all sense of reason?